It's no secret that I haven't written a post in months--almost a year actually. The only reason I can give is that I was defeated. I constantly felt like I had the wind knocked out of me or I was crawling as the only way to move forward. These words aren't easy to write because I never like admitting how sad or lonely or betrayed I've felt. I've never liked asking for help so unless the few close enough to me knew it was a bad day--my smile showed up and no one knew that I even felt the weight of defeat on my shoulders.
So many things caused these feelings of defeat:
The end of a long-term relationship
The loss of a friend
The loss of a grandparent
A health diagnosis I wasn't expecting
The confusion about what to do with my degree
The fear of not doing well enough in school
But there were so many small lights:
New friends
Family time
The kids at my job that made a hard summer worth it
Jesus calling me home when I felt so far
Old friends coming back
Having the ability to imagine a new future for myself
My defeat wasn't permanent. In fact, it wasn't even defeat. My God conquered the enemy before I even allowed myself to believe I was alone. Slowly, he showed me that my feelings had no bearing on the truth--I was not defeated.
The enemy is smart. As much as we hate to admit it. He is. He lies. He convinces us that our mistakes, our past, our most hated parts of ourselves all define us. He declares ruin. He convinces us that we are unloveable.
But God is smarter. He is bigger. He ensures, promises, and proves that our pasts are forgotten and forgiven--that they do not define us or our futures. He tells us we are precious and lovable. He declares victory.
He defeated so we would not be defeated.
2018 wrecked me. I will not pretend otherwise. I had lost more than I thought I would and fallen farther than I ever had before, but God was so faithful. Once, a dear friend prayed that God would wreck our plans for our lives so we could find ourselves firmly in His will. And God delivered. I reluctantly went--kicking and screaming--into His will. That is, until I realized that He was saving me--yet again.
Stop telling yourself that accepting help is weak. Be vulnerable with the people that love you. Let yourself be loved when you feel you don't deserve it.
I still have little to no idea what I'm doing, but that doesn't make me defeated. That makes me open to possibilities and opportunities. That makes me open to what the Lord has for me. That makes me free, not chained.
Admitting my hurt is not something I thought I would do this publicly. I did not think I would be able to share how much my heart has hurt in the past year. But here we are. One more release. One more act of self love. One more decision to let myself be vulnerable and seen. One more opportunity to talk about God's faithfulness and love.
I was not defeated. I am not defeated. You are not defeated. We will not be defeated.
Let Him fight your demons for you.
Let Him save you some more.
Let God wreck your plans.
